XXXVII

I am done 
wasting my breath
on you
so I will keep this one
short and sweet:

this is the last time I will let you break me.

XXXVI

Your words
are a hurricane
drowning me - 

Every string of words
is another cutting wave
crashing onto me
relentless
keeping me submerged

I try to pull my head above
spluttering as the salt water
chokes me
but before I can get a word in
I am pulled back under
your waves

I am a rag-doll,
thrown and flung 
in every direction
with seemingly no resistance

It seems as though
I am being slowy,
slowly,
ripped apart

I scream
but all sound is lost 
in the vast waters

I thrash against the tide
but you,
you are so harsh that
I cannot stand my ground

- and finally,
I wash away.

XXXV

I dreamt of you
and I
together

You came close
and my heart
started to pound
so fast that I finally
understood what
they meant when
they said “my heart beat
right out of my chest”
because this is what
I have wanted
for the past six years

There had been
a fire in my heart
safely tucked away,
a fire I thought
that I had quieted

But then you
leaned in, oh 
so close

And there was
unmistakably
a spark 
between us

And the fire
in my heart
that I spent years
quenching, well
I guess its embers
had survived and
once again it burned
stronger than before
ravaging its way
through my heart
leaving nothing
but desire.

And yes, finally
here you were
leaning in and
then your lips
were suddenly
inches, centimeters,
millimeters away
and then there was
my lips and yours
locked together.

But my eyes flew open,
my heart still
thudding
uncontrollably

And I awoke
to an empty bed
and an even
emptier heart.

XXXIV

Can you live without me?

If I were to cease to exist
as of right now, 
would you be affected?

Would there be a hole
somewhere in your heart?
Somewhere that I once
perhaps, just perhaps,
had the privilege 
of once residing in?

Tonight is one of those
cold, lonely nights
where my thoughts
start to eat me alive.

So please
give me an answer,
ward off
my many insecurities
and tell me,
am I significant to you?

I ask you this 
in my time of distress
because right now
I feel as though

I could never begin
to imagine a life
without you.

XXXIII

It pains me to talk about you, about us. But some things need to be said, and since I cannot bring myself to say these things to you, I will write them here.

I spent eleven years fearing you. Eleven years conforming to you and your expectations. And I spent the next nine resenting you for everything, everything you had ever done to me and everything you had ever said to me. 

For my entire life, you told me not to do the things I wanted to do because you were sure that I would only fail. And I believed you every single time. I believed I was inadequate. And you know something? I may know better now, I may know that I can do anything I want, but every time I decide to do something I will always hear your voice telling me I can’t. And it will always, always hold me back. 

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling worthless and miserable, like I am nothing. But this is how I will always feel. This is all I will ever be. Nothing.

The things you’ve screamed will always be swimming in my head, waiting to surface. I can’t forget. For one or two years, I thought I had. But no, it will never be that easy, will it? Your words and taunts will haunt me for my whole life.

Sometimes I delude myself into thinking that your hurtful words are just a result of your anger. You don’t actually mean it. But then I think back, and I can see your eyes clearly in my head and that’s when I know. You do mean it. You mean everything you say, and you say it with no regrets. 

In the past twenty years, you have taught me one thing: I will never be good enough.

You make me want to die.

XXXII

Words tumble their way out of your mouth

So easily, as though they were true

And pure in their intentions, but

Your lies are a cascading waterfall

Crashing onto the top of my head

You’re certain that I’m not aware

Of this deceit, of your deceit

So you wonder why I keep quiet,

Why I keep to myself lately

You search for my words 


Because my silence cuts 

Louder than my words ever could

And now you need me to speak

You need me to drive away your 

Many insecurities, to tell you that

We are still who we were a year ago

That we still care for each other

but I refuse to do so,

I cannot bear to utter the truth because

if there is one thing that has not changed,

It is that I will never intentionally hurt you

But now you need me to speak

So speak I will, and I will find 

That we are not so different after all

Because words tumble their way out of my mouth

So easily, as though they were true

And pure in their intentions, but

My lies are a cascading waterfall

Crashing onto the top of your head

XXXI

I haven’t really been able to sleep very well lately. If at all.

I’ve been trying, I mean I’ll clear my mind and just try to fall asleep. But even that hasn’t been working lately. So, now I’ve just been letting my mind wander of its free will.

I mostly end up thinking about all the people in my past.

And I wonder, do they lay awake at night and think of me too? Or was I not an important enough part of their lives? I mean, I don’t expect them to be thinking about me. It seems strange to think that maybe they are. 

I often think about my old best friends. One in particular. 

I remember how we used to call each other by our last names, and you never did know how to pronounce mine so it always sounded like you were just saying ‘Rain.’ 

When I met your mom’s boyfriend for the first time, you told him my name was ‘Rain.’ Hell, I don’t think he ever did find out that wasn’t my actual name. 

I remember getting home from school everyday and telling my mom I was going biking. I’d tell her I was going to the ravine, cause she knew I used to spend hours there. But I’d really be biking over to your house as fast as my little legs would take me. She would have never let me bike all the way to your house if she’d known. 

We’d sit, crammed in that little room, playing Crash Bandicoot all day. I whooped your ass at that game. Every single time. And then one day, we decided to grab some food, so we told your mom we were going biking. And she said “Well, that’s nice, you girls are finally getting a little active instead of playing video games all day! Where are you going?” We looked at each other guiltily as we said “McDonald’s..” Your mom just shook her head and walked back inside, but I could have sworn I heard her laugh as she walked away. 

God, your family was just so damn accepting. Every time I walked in the house, I felt… warmer. Nicer.

Your house was a half hour bike ride away, and I remember how exhausted I’d always be because of the big hill on the way.

But I’d make that damn ride every day, because I sure as hell felt like I had more of a family at your place.

XXX

I wiped the tears out of my eyes, my fingers fumbling in my drawer for the achingly familiar cold metal. My hand clasped around my lighter and I pulled it out.

My hands were shaking, and I didn’t realize how sweaty my palms were until now. Don’t do it, I told myself. Don’t start this again.

But even as I said it, my thumb was flicking the lighter on. A spark, first. Then, the flame jumped out. It flickered despite the quiescent air. I stared at it, contemplating in silence for a few seconds as my tears dried on my cheeks.

But I knew that I’d already made up my mind the moment my fingers had touched it. The lighter seemed softer and warmer now, as thought it was becoming one with my hand. I rolled up the leg of my pants and held the flame to my thigh, letting it burn me, relishing in the pain of it.

Slowly, slowly I felt the waves of my troubling thoughts ebbing away into the dark crevices in the corners of my mind. The physical pain gradually replaced the feeling of a vast emptiness within me. Pain was better than nothingness. It reminded me what it felt like to feel something.

It helped me.

Helped me realize that I was, despite everything my mind told me, still alive.

XXIX

The trees had begun to shed their leaves, a sure indication that Fall was here. Green slowly faded off of the leaves, leaving behind hues of red and yellow. The evenings gradually became chillier, and the nights shorter. I walked along a deserted sidewalk, the leaves crunching underneath my feet. There was something oddly satisfying about it, the feeling of each leaf being crushed simply due to an innocent footstep.

How nice it must be, I thought, to be able to shed all your leaves and start fresh in the Spring. If only life worked like that. Imagine being able to leave your troubles behind and start all over.

Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way. It’s too hard to start over, no matter how hard you try. People will always remember you, and sadly, they will never let you forget. They will hold you to your mistakes, they will look down on you because of them, and they will never, ever let you forget. Not while it makes them feel superior to you. Not while they revel in your suffering.

Because isn’t that what human nature really is?

Wanting to be better than one another?

Wanting to outdo, and outshine?

Wanting to ‘win’ this race we call life?

And I walked on, gazing at the warm Autumn colours that surrounded me. Isn’t it funny how something as ugly as the human race can exist while something as beautiful as the nature exists?

XXVIII

Sometimes I feel like I’m still building walls around myself. I don’t want to give someone else the power to hurt me, but isn’t that what life is really all about? Being able to share who you are without restraint, opening up to others, showing them all your emotions and thoughts.

It’s been a while since we’ve talked. Like, really talked. And I have to admit, that was my fault. I didn’t want to keep doing whatever it is we were doing. Over and over again. But I guess whatever happens, happens right? I shouldn’t pretend we don’t have a history.

It’s just that every single time we talk, just talk freely and openly like we used to, it reminds me that deep down I still have feelings for you. But you’re so far away, so what’s the point really?

Last night, we had one of the best conversations we’ve had for a while now. And I couldn’t help lowering my guard, and I just had to ask you because it’s a topic we’ve both avoided for, well, a little over 2 years. So I did.

“Do you think we’ll ever see each other again?”

And as I was waiting for your reply, I was trying to tell myself that it would be okay if you said no. At least it would be a truthful reply. I mean, our lives would just be how our lives are now, wouldn’t it? We’ve lived away from each other for 6 years now, or is it even more?

But I was also scared that maybe you would say yes, and I would fall into the deep, deep hole of wanting you and only you again. I’ve had to clamber out of that hole once already, and as much as I hate to admit it, it was difficult.

Then you replied.

“Well, once we graduate, there’s nothing that can stop us, right?”

When I read those words, I realized that you’d said exactly what I wanted to hear. All of a sudden, I was left wondering why it was that I kept shoving my feelings for you to the back of my mind. Why did I waste the last few months shutting you out of my life?

Nothing can stop us.

Those words are just so powerful. Because it’s true, isn’t it? It’s completely true.

Nothing can stop us.

It’ll be our lives and we’ll be free to do as we please.

And if our paths do cross in the future, I do not hesitate in saying that it will be the greatest beginning to our lives.